Why Madame Pomfrey Should Never Drink
by ienjoypops
Summary: When Poppy Pomfrey has a bit of a fuzzy mind, what chaos can result? Drunk, gangster professors, a willing broom-flying Peter and a Remus on a chocolate-high.


Why Madame Pomfrey Should Never Drink

This is the third in the series "Five Incidents to Hate You For".

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Madame Pomfrey staggered to a cupboard in the corner, which had some very useful potions inside. One of them being a Hangover Potion. She felt blindly in the cupboard and poured out a cup of the liquid. She sighed as her lips met the edge of the cup. Her headache was going to be gone. She really shouldn't have drunk so much last night.

"_Oi, Poppy! Over here." A very drunk Professor Snape slurred, and waved her over. Madame Pomfrey sighed. _

"_Drinking again, Severus?"_

"_The only thing I'm drinking is your good gawd looks."_

"_Really Severus…"_

"_Poppy!" It was Minerva. She grinned at the mediwitch and poured her a cup of Firewhiskey. _

"_Have some, Poppy dear, and tell me about it."_

"_Well…"_

"_Poppy, you can tell me." Minerva comforted, but the effect was ruined when she began to snicker at Severus dancing with his underwear on his head and twirling a very nervous and embarrassed Fillius Flitwick._

_It went on like this for a bit, Minerva giving her more and more Firewhiskey until she was utterly and totally smashed. That was when she began to forget the night…_

Her headache was ebbing away. She was left with a small sense of wooziness and felt a little distanced and detached, but she brushed it off. It was time to fetch Lupin.

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Remus sat on the edge of the bed, nibbling at the last square of his chocolate. Madame Pomfrey was bustling around, looking in drawers and such. She then turned, and finding Remus chocolate-less (he had finished it) she grabbed another bar and handed it to him.

"Here." Remus frowned. He'd already had one. But chocolate was good. Irresistible. Delicious. Heavenly. So he took it, with a word of thanks. He finished it quickly. She whirled around and gave him another bar. He ate it. Receive chocolate. Eat. Receive chocolate. Eat. Receive chocolate. Eat. Receive chocolate…

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_Some time later…_

Remus finally escaped Madame Pomfrey. Yess! He ran down a corridor and into the library. He panted, then entered quietly. Oooh! _Hogwarts: A History_, Remus thought. I'll get that. Ah! _How to Do Well In Your Transfiguration Class! _Awesome! Like this Remus went around the library, collecting books, books and more books. When he checked out, he had a pile of books towering over his head. He took them back to the dorm to read.

Remus couldn't sit still, now. He wanted to DO something! Something fun, with movement. That was it! He wanted to MOVE! Hmm…A plan was beginning to form in Remus' mind…

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Madame Pomfrey was arranging flowers beside a bed when one Peter Pettigrew walked in.

"I'm having nightmares." He whispered.

"Well, what am _I_ to do about it?"

"Can, can I have a Dreamless Sleep Potion please?"

"Fine!" Madame Pomfrey shoved a vial into the boy's hands.

"Now go!"

When Peter returned to his dormitory, he was greeted with a strange sight. Remus was running around, throwing confetti, leaping about and had even taken time to create a banner that said "Paulie WINS!" Peter stared. The banner was a vivid pink with a picture of a giraffe on it.

"Err…Remus?"

"What? There was a race between Paulie (he indicated a giraffe that was on his bed, that had a purple hat that said "Winner!") and Frogsy (he gestured to a peacock) and Horiato (a blue kangaroo)!"

Peter shook his head. He gulped the potion and curled up on his bed. He was really, really tired. But…he wasn't anymore. He wanted to race Remus on brooms or something! Yeah! Brooms! That would be FUN!

"Remus, do you want to race brooms?" Remus turned slowly to look at his friend

"Good idea…LET'S GO!" Peter grabbed James' broom and handed Sirius' to Remus. Peter then threw a pillow out the window (James') and raced out the broken window.

"Alright!" exclaimed Remus.

"Okay. We start…3, 2, 1 GO!"

The duo shot off. Peter was slightly in the lead when Peter let loose a wild laugh. Remus was shocked into crashing into the Whomping Willow.

"I win!"

"No! Rematch!" Remus groaned on the floor. He'd have to get a school broom…

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James and Sirius were both busy looking for the other two marauders.

"Ugh, where could they be?" Sirius groaned. His question was answered when they both heard a long howl. The boys glance at each other before simultaneously rushing to the nearest window. They could see Remus on a school broom, Peter on James' broom and Sirius' broom lying smashed on the floor. Sirius growled.

"I'm so going to kill them."

"Calm, Siri. Padfoot!" Sirius had jumped out the window. He had JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW! Oh dear…James poked his head out tentatively. Sirius was on the roof below the window. Oh. Sirius now jumped off that and onto the ground. Now should he do that too? Of course. James jumped down after Sirius. Peter and Remus, seeing that they were coming, screamed and ran into the castle. James and Sirius followed in hot pursuit. Remus saw some suits of armour standing. Oh! Great Idea Alert! He spelled the suits of armour to spit tons of sweets onto whomever that was walking past (except Slytherins, bleeergh, they could get vomit!) and watched in pure glee as James and Sirius were overwhelmed by the waterfall of sweets. They yelped and tried to climb out f the pile. They didn't succeed.

"Nice work. Moony!" Peter hi-fived Remus and the two sped away, cackling.

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Lily entered the Hospital Wing quietly. She approached Madame Pomfrey.

"Please, Madame Pomfrey, but Professor McGonagall wants that tonic."

"Sure, dear," and Madame Pomfrey handed her a few bottles of the stuff.

"Thank you!"

Lily returned to he Head of House's office. She set the bottles down. The professor mumbler her thanks then downed a few bottles. She then began to dance the Hokey Pokey and sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in a horribly off-key voice.

Lily frowned and, opening another bottle of liquid, sniffed it. It smelt strange. Like Firewhiskey. She took a small gulp and her green eyes widened.

"Not Firewhiskey!"

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After some incidents that included green goop, orange frogs and flying hats, James was ready to give up. Sirius called to him to "come, on Prongs," then had run after the mischievous pair. James now jogged to the Hospital Wing.

"Pepper-up Potion, please?"

"Here." James drank and immediately fell into a dreamless sleep…

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When Potter fell asleep straight After the potion, Madame Pomfrey began to worry. She had seen the scene out the window and it was very queer indeed. Wasn't Pettigrew supposed to be asleep? After some calculation through her fuzzy mind, she came to conclusions, not very good ones at that. She threw open the cupboard and, finding one particular purple potion, downed it. At once, her mind cleared. She then examined the vials.

"Oh no," she groaned. She had given Lupin too much chocolate, then had given both Pettigrew and Potter the wrong potions. She had almost forgotten Professor McGonagall when Lily Evans rushed in and asked her why there was Firewhiskey in the supposed bottles of tonic.

"Go and fetch Pettigrew and Lupin, and somehow get your professor to come here, please, Miss Evans."

She had something to right.

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Lily led a cartwheeling Remus and a dancing Peter into the Hospital Wing, with Sirius tagging along behind. Then she went to get Professor McGonagall. James' eyes widened as the drunken professor staggered along behind Lily, wearing a cap worn the wrong way around, a black leather jacket with a silver chain on top and long baggy pants.

"Yo, peoples, I'm the Great Gangster Gonagall!" Sirius had though a on-a-sugar-high James was bad the worst thing ever. Apparently not. Now Madame Pomfrey handed a vial to each person that had taken the wrong liquid (except for James, since he was still asleep). An antidote.

"Ya, to all of my fans out there and to me, Gangster Gonagall!" proclaimed the professor, and swallowed the liquid. She blinked in confusion as she saw her clothes. The mediwitch then forced the vial down Peter's throat. He slowly came back to his real self. Madame Pomfrey then tipped a vial down James' throat and put Remus into a closet in the Wing. The caffeine would wear off.

"All better."

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In one certain Gryffindor boys' dormitory, there was an argument.

"You should be hated the most. You _broke my broom_!"

"Sirius, but-."

"Peter THREW MY LOVELY, DARLING PILLOW OUT THE WINDOW!"

"Sorry, James."

"PIIIIIIIIIILLOW!"

"Hey, why don't we hate Pomfrey?"

"…"

"Well, she was the one who caused this mess in the first place, by drinking last night."

"True…OK!"

"We, hate the Pomfrey-o oh, oh, OH!"

**Aww, poor Pomfrey…**

**ienjoypops**


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